Personally
The philosophy of beutiful is to embrace the unique, individual beauty of yourself. This section is meant for personal stories about you – whether it is something that you love about yourself or a story about how you’ve overcome a struggle in your life. We will post it on this site, along with a submitted photo of yourself and your name – unless you wish to be anonymous.
I will start with a personal poem I wrote years ago, when I was going through a body image crisis. It touched a girlfriend of mine when she saw it, perhaps it will mean something to you.
RAISINS
Yea. I used to look in the mirror. Naked. Hoping. For perfection. Yea. I used to eat raisins all day. I used to want to be everything you wanted and never thought about anything that I wanted. I didn’t know. All I knew was that that mirror had better say “perfect.”
I saw the way you loved models. And celebrities. I saw the media. I saw the fitting room, how my body could not look “right.” To feel guilty for eating, to feel guilty about one pound, to feel anything at all, just to be “perfect.”
And one day, I was the “perfect” I had once wanted. Except that it wasn’t. I was skinny. Too skinny. I was tired. I was pale. But I could fit into those fucking jeans. I felt like shit. I felt uglier than ever that day. I looked halfway dead. It wasn’t worth it anymore.
The next day. I don’t care. I ate everything. I don’t look at the calories. I skip the gym. I don’t care what you have to say or which girl you have to compare me to. Do you understand this? I don’t care. I need to be beautiful to me. Not by anyone else’s standards but my own.
Yea. I am a woman. My measurements you will never see repeated. I am MY size, not your size. Not the size anyone thinks I should be. I need to be my “beautiful” size. I can be a size 2. Or a size 12. But I am a woman and I curve. I’m sorry if you don’t think this is “perfect.” But to be honest, I don’t think you’re perfect enough to say that to me. So go eat some raisins. I am a woman. And I curve. How can you tell me what a woman should look like?- I AM a woman. And I look like this.
Yea. I look in the mirror. Naked. Every day. Because I’m too beautiful not to look. And you can’t make me feel otherwise.
This is for everyone who knows “perfect.”
Would you like to submit a personal experience? Email us at beutifulmagazine@gmail.com!
Tanina Buglino, 24
We have known each other since all the questioning of “perfect” started. Although no matter how self-conscious we felt about ourselves, we always saw the beauty in each other. It’s funny how a few words from someone who doesn’t see that makes us feel less than “perfect”. Reading your poem made me feel so sorry for how you felt, and made me remember I used to feel that way, but I went the opposite way.
I used to eat more every time I was criticized by someone who I thought loved me. I watched myself for most of the relationship because that’s what I thought he wanted. For me to never lose my high school body, which then I thought I was hot, cute, sexy, and sassy. I have a very overweight Aunt – we have a very similar personality whom “HE” didn’t like. So when things started to go south in the relationship, he said and I quote “You two act exactly the same so what does that mean – you’re gonna get big like her too? Because I won’t love you if you look like her.”
Being that I saw nothing wrong with her, I figured how could he say THAT?! She was beautiful and funny and I was proud to have some of her life strengths. So I ate, and ate, and ate, and asked for seconds and thirds, and ate some more. When I was approached by my family, concerned because I was now up 30lbs, I blamed it on a high hunger side effect from birth control, but refused to stop taking it. Not fitting into new clothes, being approached by concerned by-standers, being made fun of, or being asked if I was pregnant still wasn’t enough. It got worse. McDonald’s extra large value meals, still being hungry after a footlong and going back to subway to buy another one, covered in stretch marks, and waking up in the middle of the night with pins-n-needles in my arms and legs. I was no longer a beautiful big boned girl. I was killing myself and it showed no signs of stopping.
We eventually broke-up, so there I was over 200lbs. and single. I felt like I had lost who I once was. I wasn’t me anymore. I was a stranger. My body apparently when stressed out tends to shed weight so with all this going on and not trying I had lost about 20lbs. and looked in the mirror and saw the difference. I felt like maybe I could still be in there somewhere. So I started eating healthier, and maintaining a weekly workout, and realized I could fix it. I vowed that day that never again would anyone determine what I was to become, but loved by myself, and if it wasn’t good enough “HIT THE DAMN ROAD!”
I am now back down all the weight I put on give or take the last 5 or 10lbs (lets face the facts, we’re women and we fluctuate), but the most important thing is I am healthy, happy, still physically flawed, but wouldn’t have it any other way. I was beautiful both ways but I truly was unhealthy then. It doesn’t matter what you look like, but how you feel. And healthy feels good to me.
Tanina Buglino is originally from Long Island, NY but is currently living in Pennsylvania, working in Wyomissing. She has been doing hair for six years, specializing in makeovers. To see a full range of services that Tanina offers as well as browse her portfolio, please visit her website at http://bellacapelli.webs.com/!