What would I want my sister to know?

I don’t have a sister but I consider myself to be part of a larger sisterhood. I consider it my obligation to treat you like that sister and tell you honestly, shame is not your friend, it is not your shadow and it will never let you be happy. I consider it my privilege to tell you, you deserve to be happy and you were born perfect. There are 2 kinds of shame – shame that protects you and shame that belittles you – so it’s not necessarily correct to say that all shame is bad. Shame feels bad, but certainly one type of shame is far more destructive than the other. For example, if you’ve hurt someone purposefully, shame is a healthy response. If you look at your body, your clothes, the behaviors you struggle in silence against and you feel shame; that is destructive and must be quieted. Let me repeat, the shaming voice that says you are inadequate, you are not good enough, that you don’t deserve to be happy and that nobody understands you; it can be quieted. It MUST be before you can be happy with yourself. If I had a sister I would want her to know that tidbit, not only in her head but in the root of her being. Every time she stands in front of the mirror, texts that partner that treats her badly or pulls out her credit card to buy that pair of jeans or shoes or makeup just to feel better about herself, I’d want her to know the distinction between the two types of shame and to know that she doesn’t deserve either kind. The first type does not apply and the second is manufactured toxicity. If I had a sister I would want her to know too that when the episodes of self loathing, binge eating, binge shopping, binge behavior of any kind, when those episodes were over and the shame and isolation come in to crush her, that she doesn’t have to cycle any longer. Also that maybe, in order to change the behaviors that make her ashamed, she would be better served by finding an outlet to quiet the voice that tells her she’s shameful. There’s no doubt in my mind that if I had a sister we’d have this conversation at some point. The statistics of shame-based behaviors are stacked against us.

More women report battling Binge Eating Disorder (BED) than men by a wide margin
About 6% of the American population suffers from binge shopping (also known as compulsive shopping and overshopping), and women report this at a rate slightly higher than men
Binge Drinking studies show that women report slightly less for overall episodes but comprise the segment “Drunkarexia” (drinking rather than eating for nourishment) almost exclusively
Trichotillomania, the act of compulsive hair pulling, affects nearly 5% of the population with the vast majority of sufferers being women.

Considering that these impulse control problems deal heavily in the realm of mental health, the likelihood that my sister would suffer from only one of these behaviors is less likely than the probability she would suffer from a few of these behaviors combined. Co-morbidity, as stigmatizing as that term is, is the rule and not the exception. So, with this in mind, what else would I want my sister to know? I would want her to know that there are a wide variety of options for her to find relief from the voice of shame. There are professional resources to help her to manage the behaviors and there are both online and offline resources to give her a place to feel accepted by others who battle similar shame-based behaviors. Clearly, more women battle these ‘secret flaws’ than is readily apparent, so there truly is a culture of understanding to be tapped into. Next, what I’d want my sister to know is that I built a place for her and other women like her. To share what needs to be shared in the moment of crisis. To share moments of triumph and tools for battle. To come together to support and gain strength from each other anytime they need to. I would want her to know that I built that for us. I have experience with 3 of the 4 behaviors listed and I would want to share that with my sister as well. I’ve built an online support network for people who experience binge episodes and battle impulse control problems. I did it because I couldn’t find the peer-to-peer level support when I needed it. The website is BingeBehavior.com – a social network created to support people who struggle with bingeing and impulse control disorders, specifically binge eating, binge drinking and binge shopping. It is a place where members can feel understood and where nobody diminishes the feeling of being out of control or in despair. It is a forum to discuss, learn and share experiences with others in groups or in private. There are no advertisements, no weight control program pop-ups, and no beer ads. It’s a safe and supportive website for information-sharing and community. This is an interactive community offering member-to-member support, forums, profile areas and behavioral charting tools to help members track their episodes. Also featured are professional Q&As with leading experts working with impulse control and binge disorders, member-written articles, human interest series and a blog. Members can discuss whatever binge or impulse control issues they have either privately within their profiles, or in a group setting in the forums. BingeBehavior.com is a place to replace feelings of shame and frustration with a sense of community, shared knowledge and empowerment. I hope you find peace on your journey and beauty every time you think of who you are. (This article was originally seen in The Women’s Issue – a digital magazine we create in celebration of Women’s History Month.) Our guest author Lizabeth Wesely-Casella is an advocate for people with binge and impulse control disorders. She is the Founder of BingeBehavior.com; she writes guest posts and speaks about the value of online community support, as well as her experiences with binge eating, binge drinking and Trichotillomania. Follow her blog at BingeBehavior.com Blog and join the BingeBehavior.com forums community. You can follow her on Twitter (@BingeBehavior), Facebook, LinkedIn, or email her at admin@bingebehavior.com!

About The Author

Patricia Colli, Editor of Beutiful Magazine, is a human rights activist, equality advocate, and promoter of health, acceptance and wellbeing. Having experienced disordered eating, unhealthy exercise patterns and poor body image, she is especially passionate about shedding light on eating disorders and the power of body acceptance.